The story of Tarnished Vehicle: a Warriors Parody
by Void Personified
Summary: "OMG! Wetclan are attacking Sunningrocks! We should like, attack them!" yowled a big dark tabby. Around him, cats were doing violent things-violently. Will Tarnish be able to save the forest and become as cute as his 'friend', Stormyfurball, in time?
1. Allegiances

**Hello peoples, this is another Warriors** **fanfic of mine, this time a parody of the delightful series. Heh-heh. This is going to be fun. Also, keep in mind that I started writing this a while back, and my writing may or may not have improved since then. I just felt like post this since I still haven't finished my most recent chapter of Feline.**

_Yep! It is going to be fun. So once again, this is Cinnamonstreak/little/star. (I was, at one point, role-played rather extensively, so I have multiple names, the most common being streak. But you can call me High Priestess of Cheese)_

**So I'm just having fun with this, I do like (some of) the characters. (Graystripe, Yellowfang, Bluestar, Brightheart, and Cloudtail are favorites. I also like Tiggystar)**

_Mm. Cloudtail's hot._

**Cinny!**

_What? Isn't this a free country? Can't I state my own opinion?_

**No, actually. You're an animal.**

_*Gasps!* You have insulted the high priestess of Cheese, and therefore the Cheese! The Cheese _hates_ you! _

**I thought _I_ was the High priestess of cheese, Cinny.**

_Nope, not no more. Can I have a cheeseburger?_

**No.**

_Aw. *Pouts*_

**Disclaimer: I do not own warriors. If I did Graystripe would've stayed single after Silverstream. (I hate what they did to Millie. Could Daisy be trying to start a revolution of stupid queens by brainwashing other she-cats?)**

_Mm. He's hot too._

***Whacks with newspaper* Down, Bessie**

_Ow._

**Oh, and I'm changing all the names slightly. The apprentice 'paw' will become 'toes' and all the others mean almost the same thing as the originals, but funnier! Like, Fireheart is Heatpump, for instance.**

A L L E G I A N C E S

**L O U D C L A N**

**LEADER: INDIGOPLANET—**blue-gray she-cat, tinged with silver around her muzzle.** (Bluestar)**

**DEPUTY: SCARLETSPINE—**small tortoiseshell tom with a distinctive ginger tail. **(Redtail)**

**APPRENTICE, DIRTTOES**

**MEDICINE CAT: DOTTEDFOLIAGE—**beautiful dark tortoiseshell she-cat with a distinctive dappled coat. **(Spottedleaf)**

**WARRIORS **(toms and she-cats without kits)

**GOLDENPUMP—**magnificent golden tabby tom with thick fur like a lion's mane.** (Lionheart)**

**APPRENTICE, STORMTOES**

**STRIPYTOENAIL—**big dark brown tabby tom with unusually long front claws.** (Tigerclaw)**

**APPRENTICE, CROWTOES**

**PALEGALE—**big white tom.** (Whitestorm)**

**APPRENTICE, DESERTTOES**

**SHADOWSTREAK—**sleek black and gray tabby tom.** (Darkstripe)**

**TALLSPINE—**pale tabby tom with dark black stripes.** (Longtail)**

**MOVINGBREEZE—**swift tabby tom.** (Runningwind)**

**TREEFUR—**very pale gray she-cat with unusual blue eyes.** (Willowpelt)**

**PREYPELT—**small dusky brown she-cat.** (Mousefur)**

**APPRENTICES **(more than six moons old, in training to become warriors)

**DIRTTOES—**dark brown tabby tom. **(Dustpaw)**

**STORMTOES—**long-haired solid gray tom.** (Graypaw)**

**CROWTOES—**small,skinny black tom with a tiny white dash on his chest, and white- - tipped tail. Extremely jumpy.** (Ravenpaw)**

**DESERTTOES—**pale ginger she-cat.** (Sandpaw)**

**HEATTOES/TARNISH—**handsome ginger tom.** (Firepaw)**

**QUEENS (she-cats expecting or nursing kits)**

**GLITTERPELT—**beautiful white coat and blue eyes.** (Frostfur)**

**FRECKLEDHEAD—**pretty tabby.** (Brindleface)**

**SUNNYBLOOM—**pale ginger coat. **(Goldenflower)**

**SPOTTEDSPINE—**pale tabby, and the oldest nursery queen. **(Speckletail)**

**ELDERS **(former warriors and queens, now retired)

**STUMPYSPINE—**big dark brown tabby tom with part of his tail missing. **(Halftail)**

**TINYHEARER—**gray tom with very small ears. The oldest tom in Loudclan. **(Smallear)**

**PIECEFUR—**small black-and-white tom. **(Patchpelt)**

**SINGLESIGHT—**pale gray she-cat, the oldest cat in Loudclan. Virtually blind and deaf. **(One-eye)**

**SPECKLEDSPINE—**once-pretty tortoiseshell she-cat with a lovely dappled coat. **(Dappletail) **

**A W E S O M E C L A N**

**LEADER SHATTEREDPLANET—**long-haired dark brown tabby.** (Brokenstar)**

**DEPUTY DARKFEET—**large white tom with huge jet black paws.** (Blackfoot)**

**MEDICINE CAT GREENSNOUT—**small gray-and-white tom. **(Runningnose)**

**WARRIORS COMPLETELYSPINELESS—**brown tabby tom. **(Stumpytail)**

**APPRENTICE, CHOCOLATETOES**

**PEBBLE—**silver tabby tom. **(Boulder)**

**APPRENTICE, DAMPTOES**

**TALONHEAD—**battle-scarred brown tom. **(Clawface)**

**APPRENTICE, TINYTOES**

**DARKFUR—**black tom. **(Nightpelt)**

**QUEENS SUNRAIN—**small tabby.** (Dawncloud)**

**CHEERYBLOOM—**black-and-white she-cat.** (Brightflower)**

**ELDERS DEADFIRE—**thin gray tom.** (Ashfur)**

**F A S T C L A N**

**LEADER HIGHPLANET—**a black-and-white tom with a very long tail. **(Tallstar)**

**W E T C L A N**

**LEADER TWISTEDPLANET—**a huge light-colored tabby with a twisted jaw.** (Crookedstar)**

**DEPUTY TREEPUMP—**a reddish brown tom. **(Oakheart)**

**C A T S O U T S I D E C L AN S**

**IVORYTOOTH—**old dark gray she-cat with a broad, flattened face. **(Yellowfang! Yay!)**

**SMEAR—**plump, friendly black-and-white kitten who lives in a house at the edge of the forest.** (Smudge)**

**PARSLEY—**black-and-white tom who lives on a farm close to the forest.** (Barley)**

**That was tiring. Appreciate me!**

_Don't. It goes to her head. Now that you've read, please review!_


	2. Prologue

"OMG! Wetclan is stealing Sunningrocks! We, should like, attack them!" shrieked a big dark tabby.

Around him cats were doing violent things—violently. Some of them were gathering fur in their claws, and some were trying to rip off other cats' tails. All around, cats were snapping at each other and some were fleeing in pure terror.

"Treepump's been killed by a random rockfall! Even though the rock was perfectly firm and safe before Loudclan came tramping over it! Run, or they'll shred us with their awesomeness! EEEEK!" screamed a random kitty.

A little black cat stared as the evil villainous cat of this story killed Scarletspine! Ohnoes! But then the kitty looked up, saw Crowtoes, and yowled;

"Don't run, Crowtoes, it's harder to kill you that way! And besides, I'm your father!"

Horrified and shocked, Crowtoes almost had a heart-attack, but managed to run away to Indigoplanet.

The evil villainous cat sighed and sat down.

"Well that could've gone better. I wanted to have long father-son talks and go hunting together, and rule the forest with him."

—

Meanwhile, Indigoplanet was trying to sleep, but Dottedfoliage made it very difficult.

"Indigoplanet!"

*Snores*

"Indigoplanet!"

*Rolls over*

"Indigoplanet!"

*Groans and begins to get up*

"INDIGOPLANET!"

"What?"

"Indigoplanet!"

"What?"

"Indigoplanet!"

"What is it, Dottedfoliage?"

"I had a sign from Planetclan!"

"Finally," muttered Indigoplanet.

"Heat will save our clan's cheese! It must be reeeaaallly important, too, cause they spelled it out in the stars!"

"What?" asked Indigoplanet, poking her head out of her den. Indeed, written in the stars were the words:

'Heat will save the clan's cheese.'

Of course, Indigoplanet didn't want to break it to her, but she suspected the only reason Planetclan had written it out for her was that Dottedfoliage was so...stupid.

—

**Sorry, Spottedleaf lovers!**

**But it was fun to write.**

_The next chapter is even more fun!_

**Yes it is! Sorry this was so short. They'll get longer.**

_Hehe. Gray is so cute._

**Shut it!**

_You think so too!_

**Grr...**


	3. In which a gray furball is adorable

Tarnish stared at the mouse. He REALLY, REALLY wanted a snack, but if he killed something he would be guilty forEVER! He pondered for an ENTIRE five seconds before he decided.

_Whatever_. Snack time.

Suddenly an adorable gray fur-ball jumped on him and began hissing and biting _very_ cutely. Unfortunately Tarnish didn't think he was so very cute. (He was jealous)

"Get off me, you furball!" he yowled, bristling like a shower-brush with dried soap on it.

"No way! I shall kill you with me AWESOMENESS MUWA-HA-HA!" cried the adorable gray fur-ball in a way that made you just wanna huggle him and keep him in your closet to peek at when you need a hug.

"Grr!" growled Tarnished Vehicle, redoubling the bubbles he spouted when he was angry.

"Stop!" cried Indigoplanet majestically, sweeping in elegantly with Goldenpump behind her.

"Tarnishedfurball, this is Stormyfurball. His real name is Stormtoes, but he's so cute 'n' cuddly we all just call 'im Stormyfurball. I own a clan, and the motto is join or die!" she added. Tarnish didn't immediately answer because he was considering death.

"I will join!" he announced, sweeping through the underbrush in entirely the wrong direction.

Indigoplanet had to pull him the right way, since he had problems with admitting he was wrong. Once he could pretend to not remember the incident, though, he decided to PRETEND TO BE STORMYFURBALL'S FRIEND SO THAT HE WOULD BE CUTE TOO! *Evil music*

"So, Stormtoes," he meowed casually, sauntering next to the kitty-cat of cuteness in question. The furball glanced at him, eyes wide and brimming with cuteness.

"Why are you so cute?" he asked. The gray furball chuckled so cutely all female readers pulled him out of the screen and coddled him and made him wear princess dresses.

"You walk with your legs stiff, like this, and open your eyes wide, and smile a lot, and have an aura of perpetual cuteness!" he squeaked. Indigoplanet wrapped her paws around him.

"I declare, Stormyfurball, I shall never let you go! I will never allow you to grow up!" she announced, almost cutting off Stormyfurball's air circulation and oblivious to Stripytoenail planning a revolution behind her.

"You're choking him." mewed Tarnish, doing his best to be as cute as possible. He still wasn't as cute as Stormtoes—no aura of perpetual cuteness—but it was cute-_er_.

"Oh look! We've used up enough words to get to the camp." exclaimed Indigoplanet.

Tarnishedfurball began to hyperventilate. What if they didn't like him? He'd die! And he would never have kits, and he'd be stuck underground forever!

"Relax," whispered Stormyfurball. Tarnish moved closer to him and hoped the aura would rub off.

It didn't, though 'cause as soon as he entered the camp two things happened.

One, he fell in love at first sight with Dottedfoliage's tail, which was disappearing into the medicine cat den.

Two, a pale cat with a long tail leaped at him, screaming "GET AWAY FROM US, SCUM!"

Tarnished Vehicle spouted bubbles and sliced his ear. Tallspine ran away crying to Dottedfoliage. His tears were magical, so she collected them on a leaf, oblivious to his wound.

Meanwhile, Tarnish was named Heattoes and apprenticed to Indigoplanet.

"Okay, so what you have to do is be completely oblivious to the evil around you, carry out clan duties like a machine, and practice hunting and fighting with Crowtoes and Stormtoes." she meowed as she entered her den, planning to take a nap.

She poked her head out again. "Oh, and memorize the territory and the warrior code. You'll be fine!" she encouraged enthusiastically. Heattoes sighed. He brightened as he remembered the tail he had seen.

He raced in to Dottedfoliage's den like a runaway train, screeching to a stop.

"Oh beautiful she-cat what is your name?" he demanded, staring into her lovely, empty golden eyes. Dottedfoliage giggled. "Dottedfoliage, but I cannot love you, for I am a medicine cat."

Heattoes caught a glimpse of a stack of leaves labeled _Script,_ but he took no notice.

"And besides, I have a boyfriend in Planetclan." she added. Heattoes stared at her.

"You do? But what's Planetclan?"

Dottedfoliage giggled again.

"Our dead ancestors I'm supposed to make out with." she replied.

"And do you?" he asked. Dottedfoliage shook her head.

"Not often. I can never understand the prophecies, so whenever there's something _reeaally_ important I have to know, they just write in the stars." she meowed, sidling closer.

Heattoes considered this. A random whistle blew outside, defeating Dottedfoliage's evil plan to seduce Heattoes, and they poked their heads out.

"We've used up enough words to end this chapter!" yowled Indigoplanet. (She wondered, of course, who was so talkative, but not very much. She never suspected anything.)

The clan cheered.

Suddenly, a little black cat raced into the clearing.

"Scarletspine and Treepump are suddenly, randomly dead!" he meowed, collapsing. Immediately he jumped up again and let out a piercing scream.

—

**That was fun.**

_*Starts drawing picture of Stormyfurball in princess dress*_

**What are you doing?**

_The call of the fans cannot be ignored. Can I use Moony as a model?_

**No! ...Well, okay, if he doesn't mind.**

_He'd better not._

**You're evil.**

_Thank you. The cheese takes that as a compliment and forgives you._

**...Okay, I guess.**


	4. In which an assassination is plotted

Crowtoes stared at the ground intensely for several agonizingly long minutes. The entire clan held their breaths, their eyes glued to the skinny black furball's searching eyes. Finally, after closely examining every inch of the ground within fifty tail-lengths, Crowtoes relaxed.

Slightly.

The clan let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Sorry, I thought I saw a spider." he meowed, almost as cutely as Stormyfurball. His aura of cuteness was far more subtle than his friend's. When he saw Heattoes he yowled "INVASION!" but he eventually calmed when he saw no one attacking and Stormyfurball had explained the situation to him. Dottedfoliage rolled her eyes.

"I have to give him poppy seeds to make him sleep." she hissed to Heattoes.

The tortoiseshell she-cat trotted into her den and poured almost her whole store of poppy seeds into a big leaf cup full of honey and ground mint. Stirring it carefully with a peeled stick she carried it out, limping on three paws. Crowtoes brightened when he saw the leaf cup. Taking it from her eagerly he licked up every drop and drowsily went to his nest on the apprentice den. (He had placed his nest in the best _possible_ position in case of an attack)

"There we go." meowed Dottedfoliage triumphantly. "He'll sleep like the dead until the next gathering, I expect."

Heattoes thought about this.

"When is the next gathering?" he asked. She giggled.

"About a moon. Someone will have to feed him though," Dottedfoliage grimaced.

About that time, Deserttoes and Dirttoes arrived back from a hunting patrol. Deserttoes dropped her fresh-kill when she saw Firepaw. Her heart throbbed, her breathing became difficult, and she felt hot and then cold!

She was in **L-O-V-E!**

"Dirttoes!" she hissed, beckoning him over.

"That is the most handsome tom-cat I've _ever_ seen." she meowed, exchanging her eyes for big pink hearts. "How do I hide it? I would be SO embarrassed if he found out," she added.

Dirttoes considered this gloomily. He caught a whiff of Heattoes's scent. Immediately, his nose wrinkled in a mixture of hatred, jealousy, and absolute disgust.

_A kittypet!_ he thought.

"Mock him. He's a kittypet!" he whispered, wishing Deserttoes thought _him_ the most handsome tom she'd ever seen. After all, he was one of the few Thunderclan purebreds, and despite the dull brownish-gray of his fur he was sleek and big and strong and fast and handsome. Everything Thunderclan stood for and more! His heart hurt when he looked at Deserttoes. She was so beautiful, and she loved another! Ah well, as long as she was happy...that tom better be good to her.

He didn't think he could bear it, all the same. Perhaps he should drive the kittypet out of the clan, or eat his brains while he still lived.

"Whatcha doing here, Kittypet? Shouldn't you run back to your twolegs?" he sneered. Heattoes shook his head.

"Nope! And besides, they're called housefolk!" he meowed cheerfully, his warm, shining emerald eyes filled with happiness and love. (He was looking at Dottedfoliage, of course.)

Dirttoes rolled his eyes.

"Kittypet idiot," he muttered, slinking off with Deserttoes.

"Well make sure you don't sleep near me—I don't want the stink to rub off!" snapped Deserttoes. She watched him intently, gauging his reaction to her insult, but he took no notice. She was invisible to him.

But was that good or bad?

"Dottedfoliage! Will you marry me?" meowed Heattoes to the aforementioned she-cat. She giggled.

"No. You're too young, and I am a medicine cat, yet—my heart throbs with pain and joy at the thought of this impossible—this impossible—" Dottedfoliage dashed into her den and re-read the script.

"This impossible joining." she finished.

They didn't know Deserttoes was listening, but she _was_! Gasp! Unfortunately she could not stop their heart eyes immediately, due to the death of her father.

She went and had to shove her nose in his stinky bloody fur and _groom_ him _all night_. But she planned as she did it, so it wasn't quite a complete and utter waste of her very precious time.

_Hmm... We aren't on the best terms with Shadowclan. And I happen to have some honeyed catnip, Talonhead's favorite! I bet he would kill the competition! Maybe Dirttoes can help me,_ she thought.

And so she began plotting with her nose stuck in her father's dirty fur.

* * *

><p>"Again!" meowed Palegale, for the sixteenth time. Heattoes sighed. It was hard—nigh impossible—to attack Stormyfurball because of his cute aura. But he was so tired of this drill that he decided to go for it.<p>

He didn't know which of them were worse for sparring; Crowtoes was still asleep ( Though Stormyfurball told him Crowtoes usually fainted the first time he was charged at) and it was hard to bring himself to attack Stormyfurball.

He lunged, claws flailing in a seemingly random but carefully planned pattern. He feinted left and right, than lunged center, trying to go under the other apprentice. But Stormyfurball batted him away easily, to his dismay.

"Better," sighed Palegale, wondering if the clan would survive another moon with apprentices like these.

Stripytoenail slunk in, looking like a handsome, dashing villain.

"Where is my son—ah, that is, apprentice?" he meowed, his low voice both mysterious and frightening.

"Asleep. Dottedfoliage overdosed him with poppy seeds, honey, and mint; he'll probably sleep for another moon. I'm taking these two hunting." replied Palegale. Stripytoenail wrinkled his nose.

"I told her not to do that anymore! He's getting dependent on her sweets. And isn't _Goldenpump_ Stormyfurball's mentor?" he asked. The other cat considered this.

"You know what? I think he is! The silly author mixed us up! But, since I'm already taking them..." he trailed off, shrugged, and led the twosome to hunt.

Once they were done playing with furry mouse-toys of deliciousness, Heattoes visited Dottedfoliage again. (Deserttoes watched and seethed) She was rearranging her stores of dried berries, leaves, and seeds. Heattoes watched as she patted a pile of berries. One fell down, and she gasped. "A sign!" she hissed. "It's a sign!"

She stared at the furrows in the dirt and the position it was in. Then she gazed up at the suddenly starry ceiling.

**(Spoiler begins here)**

"You will bring a kittypet among our ranks! Stormyfurball will love Steelriver, she will die having his kits, he will go live in Riverclan with them, and then come back. Dogs will attack and kill Quicktoes and claw off half of Cheerytoes' face! Stripytoenail will rise up, and Crowtoes will flee. But then you will rise up, becoming leader, due to the death of Indigoplanet, and _he_ will flee to Awesomeclan, becoming leader, and trying to take over the forest, but failing, his throat slit by his own ally, a cat he attacked for almost no reason long ago, and you shall rebuild Highclan, mate with Deserttoes and have two daughters, Foliage and Chipmunk. I'm flattered you name her after me. Chipmunk, Bushy, Mottled, Pigeon, Winged, and Rainy will search for and find a new home, though Pigeon will love Winged and she will die saving the Tribe of Rushing Water. Stormyfurball will disappear saving his clanmates from the twolegs! All the clans will together make the journey over the mountains, and as they struggle in their new home be attacked by badgers, but win, while Leaf starts to run away with Crow but returns, and Stormyfurball will return as well, with his new mate Annoying! You will bring Flower into the clan, Chipmunk will pretend to have Foliage's kits, two of them will have amazing powers (The third is just plain annoying), and the third kit will be born after!" meowed Dottedfoliage, panting. (Most of this was in one breath)

**(Spoiler ends here) **

Heattoes stared at her.

"What?" she asked defensively.

"How could you tell all that?" he asked. She sighed.

"Well, it's all written out above us!" she replied. Heattoes just shook his head.

"I don't get it. You are an exceptional medicine cat."

He was too thick-headed to realize that what Dottedfoliage meant was that there were stars on her ceiling, and she had just read them aloud.

* * *

><p>"You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?" muttered Deserttoes bitterly. Anxiously, she steadied her container full of honeyed catnip. If any of it spilled, she'd have nothing to pay Talonhead with.<p>

Bounding to the border, she sat impatiently and waited for a patrol. She didn't have to wait long. Talonhead was even on the patrol!

They snarled when they saw her, but Deserttoes couldn't make out anything that they were saying. She didn't speak evil-villainous-minion/underling-demonic speech (something she'd always regretted).

"I would like to speak with Talonhead," she meowed with a clear voice. They murmured among themselves, but agreed to let him talk to her.

They began walking along the border.

"I suppose—Shadowclan needs kits?" she asked shyly. He glanced at her.

"Isn't that our business?" he hissed. Now that he wasn't speaking evil-villainous-minion/underling-demonic speech, his voice was rich and smooth, like the honeyed catnip she'd brought with her.

"Yes, but we have some. And I need a favor. There's a certain tom-cat I know that I have feelings for, but he likes some one else."

"So?" Talonhead had an arrogant, bored expression.

"_So_, I NEED THAT STINKING THIEF OUT OF THE WAY! KILL HER! KILLL HEER!"

"..." meowed Talonhead with a dazed, slack-jawed expression.

"There are four kits in the nursery, so you could steal them if you can, but your main target will be Dottedfoliage the medicine cat. A pretty tortoiseshell."

Talonhead nodded.

"I know her. What makes you think I'll do it?" he asked.

Deserttoes gave him the honeyed catnip.

"This."

—

Indigoplanet was really beginning to wonder about how quickly the chapters flew. Sheesh, she was hoping for a nap, but she'd never get one with all the words being used up.

"Indigoplanet?"

"Yes, Stripytoenail?"

"I'm going to meet my evil cronies now, I hope you don't mind."

"Of course not! You go and have fun, but remember to catch some fresh-kill!"

* * *

><p><strong>Sandpaw's evil, but I like her.<strong>

_So do I!_

**She'll be so disappointed when she finds out what Firepaw really is like.**

_Poor girl._

**And yes, Sandpaw was replying to Firepaw. She's always watching Spottedleaf these days. And also, I was guessing on the number of kits because I don't know how many there are. And I hope the spoiler readers could figure out the names, but if you can't—I ain't tellin'!**

_**Can I have your binoculars?**_

**No, no you cannot, Sandpaw.**


	5. Enter Ivorytooth

Heattoes began skipping around in the forest and trying to catch prey. He was even sort of succeeding. Two mice! And they were _mostly_ dead and not even that mangled! He was _so_ proud of himself.

_Rustle, rustle._

What was that? Oh noes, what if it was something scary? What if it was SO scary he fainted, and it ate him and he never married Dottedfoliage? Or worse, what if he fainted and she found him and laughed at him behind his back? Was she even capable of such treachery?

Cautiously, the shiny red apprentice poked his head out, only to have it sat on.

"Who are you?" hissed the other cat.

"Heattoes; who are _you_?" he meowed. She rolled her eyes.

"You think I'd tell you that? Get me some food." she snapped. He didn't dare disobey her, but snagged a passing rabbit with his claws, presenting it to the scary she-cat. As the stranger finished it finished a patrol arrived, with absolutely impeccable timing.

"What ever are you doing, Heattoes?You should've brought our guest to camp right away! Oh, and take care of her as a punishment for not being more hospitable," meowed Indigoplanet. The scary gray she-cat rolled her eyes at Indigoplanet's naivety, but came to the camp willingly enough. She didn't really feel like fending off a bunch of dimwitted warriors in order to make her escape before two in the afternoon. Normally, she would've been mooning over lost love at that hour.

Dottedfoliage bounced out of her den. "Hi, Ivorytooth!" she meowed, upon seeing the prisoner/guest/visitor/unknown/medicine cat?

"Hello, Dottedfoliage." sighed the she-cat, treating the other cat like she was something that could not be avoided. Naturally, this confused Heattoes. Who couldn't love Dottedfoliage?

"So, what have you been doing?" Ivorytooth asked in an attempt to break the uncomfortable silence. Dottedfoliage giggled.

"Oh, not much, but I have some magical tears from Tallspine and I put Crowtoes to sleep."

"You did WHAT, you pathetic stupidiot?" screeched Ivorytooth. Now it was Dottedfoliage's turn to roll her eyes.

"Duh, I gave him all my poppy seeds with mint and honey. Lots of honey. That apprentice eats way too much honey for a cat who's ridiculously high-strung, y'know?"

Ivorytooth relaxed, returning to her usual frightening demeanor, the one that radiated disgust for her surroundings. "Do you have any idea had bad for him having too many poppy seeds all at once is, you horrendously dimwitted excuse for a she-cat? Doesn't your pitiful little brain even know that he could DIE?" she snapped fiercely, relieved.

"Of course not. I've been feeding him. Stripytoenail was mad too. But just because he's my distant cousin—like almost everyone else in this clan now I think about it—that doesn't mean he can boss me around." replied Dottedfoliage.

Dirttoes padded past with a horrified expression pasted on.(Dirttoes is a very good paste-er, always using exactly the right amount of paste.) Heattoes envied him. While _he_ had to make Ivorytooth a nest, Dirttoes was duty free and talking to Deserttoes.

"It was horrible!" he meowed to her. "Sunnybloom was trying to convince me to become her apprentice and she was talking about kits most of the time—_take care of the kits, the kits come first, and when you don't have kits, help the first-time queens expecting kits and the queens who do have kits._ I had to remind her I'm male!" He shuddered. Deserttoes licked him sympathetically. "Well, I guess you'll get over it." she replied.

Dirttoes eyed her.

"I doubt it. I mean, I like kits, but the way queens _obsess_ over them is silly." he meowed. Deserttoes bristled and stomped off. He blinked.

"Oh. I guess I forgot she's female." He sighed.

_Oh Sandpaw, how can you not see the perfect tom for you is right here? And why, Starclan, must I be so dense sometimes?_

—

Deserttoes felt irritated. She didn't understand how toms could be so dense! Why did she have to _remind_ him she was female? She felt certain Heattoes was kind and understanding, and sweet, and bubbly.(She got that right, anyway) She paused in her stomping to daydream.

_Heattoes walked over to her shyly where she sat in the sunlight. He cleared his throat, and she looked up from the paw she had been grooming._

"_Deserttoes, you are the most beautiful she-cat I've ever seen. Dottedfoliage has nothing on you. I—that is, will you be my mate?" he finished, offering her some honey comb. She smiled widely._

"_Yes! This is the day of my dreams! I will certainly be your mate!" she meowed, nuzzling him._

An image of Dirttoes, disappointment in his eyes as he tried to smile and be happy for her, broke her daydream into a thousand pieces. She began stomping again. Stalker! He was even in her _thoughts_!

Deserttoes realized she was heading for the Awesomeclan border, which reminded her of the assassination she had planned. Her subconscious was clever-er—um—more clever—cleverest of the two—Sandpaw gave up and allowed the train of her one-track mind to switch directions. What was taking Talonhead so long? It had been three sunrises!

She muttered scary nonsense words to herself ominously. If he had decided not to do it, because of the risk—!

She'd kill him! She could _not_ afford to have a competitor! She sighed and tried to calm herself. Even if he had decided to be a coward, she still had more honeyed catnip. Maybe she got the flavor wrong. Deserttoes wrinkled her brow. Nope, clover was his favorite, she was sure of it. The elders had specifically said so! Had Dottedfoliage bribed them? Thoughtfully, she pondered the oddness of Loudclan's silly medicine cat. There were many strange, unnatural things about her.

For one thing, how was she feeding Crowtoes? Deserttoes decided then and there to find out. It was more productive than waiting for Talonhead, anyway; how likely was it that after waiting for two minutes that the exact tom she was waiting for would come padding by? (Just then, as Deserttoes turned her back, Talonhead padded by. Incidentally, he was all by his lonesome. What are the odds?) It wasn't like she could go to the gathering. Eagerly, she sped towards the camp and the mysteries inside it.

—

Everybody happily trotted off to a gathering, where Awesomeclan had an all-new, extra greedy leader! He like, decided he like, wanted other clans' prey, so he like, chased out Fastclan, and had Wetclan like, cowering, and now he like, wanted a share of Loudclan's prey, but Indigoplanet was like, "No way", and he was like, "Yes way", and Heattoes was like, "Oh my muffins what if there's a fight?", and also, Shatteredplanet said there was an evil kit-killin' rogue they chased off slinkin' around, 'n' Glitterpelt was like, "Oh my muffins I gotta go check on the poor dear kits like, NOW!" so they like, returned home, and the kits were like, fine, and Ivorytooth was like, innocent, despite like, their suspicions, and Deserttoes like, bounced into Dottedfoliage's like, den, and she saw this huge like, machine, pumping stuff like, into Crowtoes's leg, and she was like, "Oh my muffins Dottedfoliage is some sort of kittypet/Skyclan/Thunderclan cross (**Cause it's a twoleg machine, and only kittypets know about twolegs!**), and she's like, creepy 'n' a rival and like, stuff!" and then like, she snuck back like, to the apprentices' den.

—

**So that was like, a gathering summary. Heh-heh... Soon Shadowclan will FIGHT WIT TUNDER!**

_Yep!_

…

_Yep!_

…

_Ye—_

**Shut it!**


End file.
